Self-compassion involves treating yourself with the same kindness and support you’d show to a good friend. When faced with life struggles or confronting personal mistakes and inadequacies, self-compassion responds with kindness and understanding rather than self-judgement. It involves actively comforting, protecting, and supporting ourselves when we’re in pain. Self-compassion is seeing our imperfections as part of the larger human experiences and recognising that everyone suffers. So often, when we struggle or fail, we feel that something has gone wrong – that this shouldn’t be happening, which may lead to a sense of isolation. Self-compassion is a reminder that suffering is part of the human condition and that failure or mistakes are inevitable. Further, mindfulness is an integral part of self-compassion, as to give yourself self-compassion, you must be able to turn toward, acknowledge, and accept that you are suffering.

Self-compassion has three components:

1. Self-kindness – responding to ourselves with care and kindness instead of self-judgement and self-criticism.
2. Mindfulness – bring mindful awareness to pain rather than over-identifying with our thoughts.
3. Common humanity or the “Human Condition” – knowing that failure and mistakes are inevitable and part of what it means to be human.

How can we practice self-compassion?

Self-compassion often feels foreign or unnatural to practice. Most people struggle to be self-compassionate towards themselves. This can be due to cultural normalities (“It’s selfish or self-indulgent to care about yourself”), self-critical thoughts (“I don’t deserve kindness”), or associating self-compassion with laziness (“I have to be tough on myself. That’s what stops me from screwing up”). Research suggests that self-compassion is distinct from self-pity as it involves acknowledging our interconnection with others rather than feeling like we are the only ones in the world suffering. It is also different from self-indulgence, as being compassionate to oneself means prioritising our happiness and health in the long term, rather than giving ourselves immediate gratification or ‘letting ourselves off the hook’. If the abovementioned beliefs are barriers to developing self-compassion in your life, a psychologist can help you explore this in therapy.

If practising self-compassion feels overwhelming, try to make your practice as easy and pleasant as possible. For example, think about what you would say to a friend in a similar situation and apply this compassionate outlook to yourself. Another example may include being your own cheerleader – saying something positive and uplifting towards yourself when you’re struggling—or bringing mindful awareness to your emotions and acknowledging how you feel rather than suppressing or denying your experience. Self-compassion can also involve asking yourself what your body or mind needs at the moment, whether it be rest, movement, or a nourishing meal. It can also involve scheduling self-care for the week ahead (e.g., practising yoga weekly), identifying obstacles to practice, and envisioning your way around them. Start small – even short practices can make a big difference.

How else can we soothe ourselves? Below are some examples of more formal self-compassion practices to try:

Exercise 1: How would you treat a friend?

Please take out a sheet of paper and answer the following questions:

1. First, think about times when a close friend felt bad about him or herself or was struggling in some way. How would you respond to your friend in this situation (especially when you’re at your best)? Then, please write down what you typically do and say, and note the tone in which you usually talk to your friends.
2. Now think about times when you felt bad about yourself or were struggling. How do you typically respond to yourself in these situations? Please write down what you usually do and what you say, and note the tone in which you talk to yourself.
3. Did you notice a difference? If so, ask yourself why. What factors or fears come into play that leads you to treat yourself and others so differently?
4. Please write down how you think things might change if you responded to yourself like you typically react to a close friend when you’re suffering.
   Why not try treating yourself like a good friend and see what happens?

Exercise 2: Self-Compassion Break

Think of a situation in your life that is difficult that is causing you stress. Call the situation to mind, and see if you can actually feel your body’s stress and emotional discomfort.

Now, say to yourself:

1. This is a moment of suffering

That’s mindfulness. Other options include:

• This hurts.
• Ouch.
• This is stress.

2. Suffering is a part of life

That’s common humanity. Other options include:

• Other people feel this way.
• I’m not alone.
• We all struggle in our lives.

Now, put your hands over your heart, feel the warmth of your hands and the gentle touch of your hands on your chest. Or adopt the soothing touch you discovered felt right for you.

Say to yourself:

3. ‘May I be kind to myself’ mantra or meditation

You can also ask yourself, “What do I need to hear right now to express kindness to myself?” Is there a phrase that speaks to you in your particular situation, such as:

• May I give myself the compassion that I need
• May I learn to accept myself as I am
• May I forgive myself
• May I be strong
• May I be patient

This practice can be used any time of day or night and will help you remember to evoke the three aspects of self-compassion when you need it most.

Research has found that responding to ourselves with self-compassion leads to more life satisfaction and motivation, better relationships, and greater happiness and resilience. If a self-compassion outlook on life is something you would like to develop, a psychologist can help you with this. The psychologists at The ProActive Psychology Practice have experience working with clients who wish to allow more self-compassion into their lives, so please feel free to reach out to us.

Resources:

http://www.self-compassion.org (this has the self-compassion break as a guided audio recording).