You’ve read all the parenting blogs. You’ve tried the routines, the reward charts, the sensory toys. But nothing seems to fully fit your child. One moment they’re bouncing off the walls, and the next, they’re melting down over the wrong colour cup. You’ve ruled out ADHD. Then autism. Then circled back to both.
Indeed, more and more parents are discovering that their child doesn’t fit into just one box. They have traits of both ADHD and autism — a common, but often misunderstood profile sometimes called “AuDHD.” And for many parents, this realisation hits like a wave of relief and new questions all at once.
“How do I help them thrive?”
“Why does even getting out the door feel impossible?”
And sometimes — quietly, in the background — another thought sneaks in:
“Is this why I’ve always struggled too?”
This guide is designed for you—the parent who is doing your best, feeling overwhelmed, and searching for ways to make parenting a bit more manageable.
Let’s relieve some of the pressure and explore what may really be happening, beginning with an understanding of what it means when your child displays traits of both ADHD and autism.
What “Both” Looks Like – Understanding the ADHD/Autism Combo
Parenting a child with either ADHD or autism has its own set of challenges. But when both are present, the experience can feel like you’re dealing with two very different operating systems… in the same child… at the same time.
Imagine trying to drive a car that needs two types of fuel. One engine craves speed, stimulation, and constant movement (ADHD). The other wants consistency, quiet, and clear rules (autism spectrum disorder). Now imagine you’re the one responsible for keeping both engines running smoothly, every single day.
That’s what parenting a child with ADHD and autism often feels like.
For example:
- Your child might crave routine, insisting that bedtime happens the same way every night — but then suddenly interrupts the routine with endless distractions, wild energy, or emotional outbursts.
- They might fixate on a particular interest (such as dinosaurs or LEGO) for hours but be unable to sit still long enough to finish a meal.
- They may struggle with making friends, feeling awkward or unsure, yet talk non-stop when excited, missing social cues and boundaries.
Professionally, we encounter these patterns frequently. Many families describe feeling like they’re constantly pulled in two directions — trying to calm the chaos and ease the rigidity. They’ve tried every approach: sticker charts, sensory play, behaviour plans — often without lasting success. What’s typically missed is that the child isn’t being “naughty,” “lazy,” or “manipulative.” Instead, they’re responding to a complex and overlapping set of needs from both ADHD and autism. It’s not poor parenting — it’s a different neurotype that benefits from a neuroaffirming approach: one that supports the child’s nervous system, honours their traits, and builds strategies that actually work for how their brain functions.
Here’s where it gets more complex: the overlap often goes unnoticed.
Many ADHD traits (impulsivity, hyperactivity, emotional outbursts) get all the attention, while autistic traits (rigid thinking, sensory sensitivity, social differences) fly under the radar. Or vice versa. The result? Misdiagnosis, missed diagnosis, or well-meaning but ineffective parenting advice that leaves you burnt out and your child misunderstood.
One parent shared, “It was like everything started to make sense once I stopped trying to fit him into just one box.”
That’s the key here: ADHD and autism are not opposites. They’re two patterns of wiring that can absolutely coexist — and when they do, parenting needs to look different.
In fact, many families only discover this overlap when traditional strategies fail to yield results. Rewards don’t motivate. Routines don’t soothe. The child seems stuck in a tug-of-war between having too much and not enough.
This first insight — that both can exist together — is often a turning point. It helps you reframe your child’s struggles, stop blaming yourself, and begin creating support that actually fits.
And yes — if this dynamic feels oddly familiar… it might be time to gently explore how these patterns show up in you too.
Why Parenting Feels So Overwhelming
Parenting a child with both ADHD and autism can feel like trying to stand in the middle of two storms at once. There are days when nothing seems to work — when every routine falls apart, every noise feels too loud, and every request turns into a battle. Parents often describe it as “constantly firefighting” — jumping from meltdown to shutdown, from hyperactivity to emotional collapse.
It’s not just the child’s needs that make it exhausting. It’s the relentlessness. There’s rarely downtime. A typical morning might include trying to get a child out the door who insists on wearing the same shirt every day, but can’t sit still long enough to put their socks on. And while one child may need calm, silence, and routine, their AuDHD sibling might be shouting questions, bouncing off furniture, and rejecting the very structure they demanded ten minutes earlier.
This daily push and pull leaves many parents feeling exhausted. They’re not just tired — they’re burnt out. In clinical terms, that means chronic emotional, mental, and physical exhaustion from the constant demands of parenting, often without enough support or understanding. But many parents don’t use those words. Instead, they say things like:
- “I feel like I’m constantly one step behind.”
- “My brain just shuts down by the afternoon.”
- “I love my child, but I’m touched out, fried, and barely holding it together.”
This level of stress doesn’t go away with a weekend break. It builds over time. And it can show up as irritability, forgetfulness, emotional detachment, or even physical symptoms like headaches or sleep issues.
For many, the hardest part isn’t the behaviours — it’s the guilt. Parents blame themselves. They wonder why they can’t seem to handle things better. They compare themselves to others — or to their own expectations — and feel like they’re falling short.
But here’s what professionals want every parent to know: this isn’t failure. It’s a normal response to an unmet need for support. When a child has both ADHD and autism, their care requires a high level of emotional regulation, sensory awareness, and executive function. When a parent is also neurodivergent or depleted, that load becomes unsustainable.
Recognising the burnout is not weakness. It’s the first step toward change.
And just like children with ADHD and autism need personalised, flexible strategies, so do their parents. That’s why finding the proper support for both your child and yourself can make daily life feel less like survival and more like something you can actually enjoy again.
Practical Strategies That Actually Help (and Don’t Make You Feel Worse)
Most parenting advice sounds good in theory. Until you’re trying to implement it with a child who refuses to wear socks because they “feel weird,” screams at toothpaste, and can’t stay seated long enough to finish breakfast — and that’s all before 8am.
That’s the reality many parents face when raising a child with both ADHD and autism. Strategies that work for one child — or even for a child with just one diagnosis — often fall flat when both neurotypes are in play. What’s needed isn’t more pressure to “stay calm” or “be consistent.” It’s support systems that actually fit your child’s brain and your reality.
Here are a few strategies that have helped many families find more calm in the chaos:
1. Build a Routine with Flexibility
Routine helps children with autism feel safe and secure, providing a sense of predictability. But a child with ADHD might resist it the moment it feels dull or rigid. The key is to create a structure that has wiggle room. Think of it like a rhythm, not a strict schedule.
Start small: a consistent morning routine and bedtime wind-down. Use simple checklists with pictures or icons for clear visual cues. Avoid long explanations — visual cues are easier for overwhelmed brains to follow. And when things go off track (because they will), respond with flexibility, not failure. Reset gently and move on.
One parent described it this way: “We have a ‘best case’ routine, but also a ‘good enough’ version for tough days.” That’s what keeps it sustainable.”
2. Break Everything Into Bite-Sized Steps
“Get ready for school” might mean five separate tasks, but to a child with AuDHD, it feels like a single overwhelming mountain. Instead of general commands, break things down. For example:
- Put on your shirt
- Now find your shoes
- Now brush your teeth
It sounds basic, but it works. Many kids with executive function challenges genuinely can’t “see” the next step unless it’s clearly laid out. The same goes for tidy-up time, bath time, and transitions between activities.
Tip: You don’t need to be the memory bank. Use visual checklists, dry-erase boards, or phone alarms to stay organised.
3. Support Their Senses (and Yours Too)
Sensory overload is one of the most common sources of meltdowns in kids with autism, and ADHD can make sensory input even more complicated to filter. That’s why it helps to incorporate regular sensory regulation tools into the day. Some ideas:
- Use noise-cancelling headphones during noisy transitions
- Keep fidgets or chewables nearby
- Create a “calm corner” with soft lighting, textures, or soothing music
And just as importantly, have one for yourself. Many parents find they’re just as overstimulated by the constant noise, touch, and demands. A five-minute break in the bathroom with earplugs and deep breaths can prevent a blow-up. Lower the lights. Breathe into your belly. Give your nervous system space to reset.
You’re not being dramatic — you’re responding to an environment that’s genuinely taxing.
4. Use the Tools That Work for Your Brain
If you often forget appointments, lose track of time, or feel like you’re constantly reacting instead of planning, that might not be a parenting flaw. It could be a sign that you also struggle with executive function.
That’s not a problem to hide. It’s a signal to externalise the load. Use phone alarms for everything: wake-up, school run, medication, dinner, even reminders to drink water. Keep supplies (such as medication, shoes, or school bags) in one visible, consistent location.
And let go of the pressure to “do it all from memory.” That’s not a badge of honour — it’s a recipe for burnout.
These aren’t quick fixes — they’re minor, steady adjustments that help the whole household feel a little more stable. And sometimes, while making these changes for a child, something else clicks into place. A quiet realisation begins to form: What if some of this feels familiar because I’ve been navigating it too, for years, maybe even my whole life?
The Parent Side: Could This Be You Too?
It often begins as a quiet thought, easy to dismiss.
“I’ve always been a bit scattered.”
“I hated loud places as a kid, too.”
“I never really clicked with other parents… but I thought that was just me.”
For many parents, supporting a child with ADHD and autism is the moment things begin to make sense — not just for their child, but for themselves. Patterns they’ve lived with for years suddenly look different through this new lens. The missed deadlines. The exhaustion after socialising. The way certain textures or noises have always felt overwhelming. The struggle to keep up with everyday life that others seem to manage effortlessly.
And it’s not unusual. ADHD and autism both run in families. Studies show a strong genetic link, especially with ADHD, where up to 25% of parents of diagnosed children are likely to have it too, whether they’ve ever been formally assessed or not.
But it’s not just about genetics. It’s about how these traits have manifested in daily life, often unnoticed, masked, or mislabeled.
Many adults, especially women, go undiagnosed well into their 30s, 40s, and beyond. They’ve become experts at masking — hiding their difficulties by working harder, over-preparing, staying quiet, or avoiding situations altogether. But parenting brings a level of unpredictability and demand that makes masking harder to maintain.
That’s when old coping strategies start to break down.
Some parents describe this shift as “the wall” — a point where the tools they’ve always used (such as overachieving, people-pleasing, and staying busy) no longer work. The cracks start to show in forgetfulness, emotional outbursts, shutdowns, or burnout. And often, it’s dismissed as “mum fatigue” or “just stress,” when in fact, it’s something more profound.
One late-diagnosed parent put it this way:
“I thought I was just bad at adulting. Turns out, I’d been living with undiagnosed ADHD since I was a kid. Everything made sense when I saw it in myself through my son.”
The goal here isn’t to label or pathologise. It’s to offer a new way of understanding yourself — one that removes shame and replaces it with clarity. Because the more clearly you know your own brain, the more compassion you’ll have for your child’s.
And for yourself.
For some, that recognition brings relief. For others, it stirs up grief for all the years spent not knowing. Either way, it opens the door to something important: the chance to get support that works for your child — and for you.
What Support Looks Like – And Why It’s Not Just for Your Child
When a child is diagnosed, support often flows in their direction — therapy, school plans, sensory tools. But for families navigating both ADHD and autism, the parents’ well-being is just as essential to the equation.
Support isn’t about handing off responsibility; it’s about empowering others. It’s about making sure the person holding everything together isn’t falling apart quietly in the background.
Many parents hesitate to ask for help. They worry it’s selfish. They think they should be able to manage. But getting support for yourself is one of the most powerful things you can do for your child.
When a parent has undiagnosed ADHD or autism — or is simply overwhelmed from carrying too much for too long — it becomes harder to respond calmly, stick to routines, or notice what’s working. Everyday tasks feel heavier. Emotional reactions get sharper. And guilt creeps in after every tough moment.
Support interrupts that cycle.
That might look like:
- Parent coaching to build structure and understand meltdowns without shame.
- Therapy to process burnout, regulate emotions, or explore your own neurodivergence.
- Medication, if appropriate — for either parent or child — to improve focus, mood, or sleep.
- Formal assessment if signs of ADHD or autism are starting to resonate more personally.
One study found that when a caregiving parent with ADHD received treatment, their child’s behaviour improved too, not because the child changed, but because the parent became more consistent, less reactive, and better supported.
And for many, simply having a safe space to speak openly — without judgement — changes everything. One parent shared, “Once I had a therapist who understood ADHD and autism, I stopped feeling like a failure. I started feeling like a person again.”
Support doesn’t always need to come from professionals. Sometimes it’s a friend who gets it. A support group. A partner who takes over dinner so you can breathe. What matters most is that it’s safe, consistent, and attuned to your reality, not someone else’s idea of what parenting should look like.
Because when you’re supported, everything else becomes easier to carry.
Absolutely — here’s the next section, wrapping up the body of the article with warmth and reassurance:
Parenting Differently, Not Perfectly
Parenting a child with both ADHD and autism isn’t about fixing them, and it’s not about fixing you either. It’s about learning how your family actually works, and letting go of the idea that there’s one “right” way to do things.
You might never have a perfectly quiet morning, or a child who breezes through social situations, or a home that runs like a Pinterest board. But what you can have is connection, understanding, and tools that make life less chaotic.
You can have moments where things go smoother, not because you pushed harder, but because you paused, adjusted, and tried something that made sense for your people.
That’s the power of recognising neurodivergence for what it really is: a different way of being in the world, not a problem to be erased. And when you support that in your child, and maybe even in yourself, you’re not just getting through the day. You’re showing your kids what it looks like to live with self-awareness, compassion, and honesty.
Some days will still be hard. That’s real. But you don’t have to do it all alone. And you don’t have to figure it all out at once.
Even reading this is a start. Even wondering, “Could this be me too?” is a start.
Because the goal isn’t perfection. It’s understanding.
And from there, finding the proper support for your child and for you becomes a whole lot easier.
Support That Makes Sense — For You and Your Family
This article has helped you gain a better understanding of your child. It could have stirred some thoughts about yourself, too. Either way, it’s OK if things feel messy. It’s OK if you’re still figuring it all out.
Parenting a child with both ADHD and autism is not a simple task, and you don’t have to pretend it is. Some days will feel impossible. Some will surprise you with connection and calm. What matters most is that you keep showing up, in whatever way you can.
If some of what you’ve read feels uncomfortably familiar — if the chaos, the sensory overload, the constant second-guessing rings true — that doesn’t mean something is wrong with you. It might just mean your brain works differently, too. And understanding that can be the start of something better.
You don’t need to wait until you’re falling apart to reach out. Support isn’t just for a crisis. It’s for building something sustainable.
At ProActive Psychology, we offer assessments and therapy for parents, children, and families navigating ADHD, autism, or both. Whether you’re looking for clarity, coping tools, or just someone who truly understands, we’re here.
References
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